Mundane Conspiracy Theories

12 February 2002

Last night, I was woken suddenly by a sharp knock at my front door. A nervous, haggard man, chain smoking cigarettes, was pacing outside when I opened the door. He was clutching a package, torn and well-handled, which he thrust into my hands the instant he saw me.

“Take it,” he hissed. “You’ll know what to do. You’ll be able to spread the word.”

Before I could say anything, a dog barking in the distance made the man gasp and take off at a clip. I went back inside and took a look at the package. Between the torn wrapping, I could make out a book, and it’s title was Mundane Conspiracy Theories. No author’s name could I find, even once the package was opened. The pages were meticulously hand-written and perfect-bound, and while the grammar was a bit rough, the lessons were loud and clear.

Last night, once awoken, I could no longer find comfort in sleep, for you see, I have read parts of this book, and I am making it my mission to disseminate the information contained within in here in my blog. It may astound you; it may disturb you, but most of all it will open your eyes to the truth!

I begin with this shocking revelation:

Mundane Conspiracy Theory #31: I learned this from a friend who has an uncle who’s cousin works with a man who knows a guy who worked in the mail room a large metropolitan newspaper. You know that ink that you get on your hands? Don’t wash your hands in a sink to get it off!!! We all know that the ink contains little nanobots that track your reading habits so newspapers can charge more money for the best advertising spots, but a secret government agency (SGA) has hacked into the nanobot software, so that when you wash your hands after you read the paper, SGA not only knows if you read a paper with a liberal slant, but also gets your DNA by collecting all the little bots in sewers and cesspools!! Their secret plan is to clone people who read the Sports and Comic pages, while slowly letting the International News and Art & Leisure people die out!!! Pass this along to every one you know!!!

Scary stuff, sure, but read on:

MCT #51:Anyone with their ear to the ground knows about the Missing Gas Cap Conspiracy Theory (MGCCT), which proves that there is only one missing gas cap in any metropolitan area at any one time. Now what most people think is that when someone finds their cap is missing, they just steal it from the car next to them, which happens in most cases, thus preserving the -GC/UA ratio (minus one gas cap per urban area), but what these people don’t realize is that there are sinister forces behind the MGCCT.

Two agencies, sponsored by the NWO, are to blame. The first is the National Organization for Crude Auto Petroleum (NOCAP), which sends out operatives to any city or town where someone has purchased a replacement cap from an auto parts store, so as to maintain the -GC/UA ratio. The second agency, far more covert, is the United States Energy & Gasoline Arbitration Service (USEGAS), which makes its money off of the taxes you spend on getting a new gas cap with a lock and key, and also sends out operatives to make you leave your new gas cap on the roof of your car after you’ve finished pumping gas, so you forget it, and drive away, and lose it, and have to buy another one, which means that they get more money!!!

Nefarious, and completely logical. I’ll leave you with one more to chew on:

MCT #172:You may have thought that the clerks at the motor vehicles, or the cashiers at the supermarket, or the bank branch tellers, that all treat you rudely, do so because they have to deal with idiots all day, and are exhausted and about to break down and cry from all the stress. This is not true. They are nasty to you because they have been told to be rude by their bosses. These people make more money and eventually become managers by treating you like shit.

It’s enough to make you crazy, isn’t it? Well, I’ll continue to spread the truth, so long as The Man don’t try to keep me down.

--JR

Posted by Jonathan at 09:55 PM, 12 February 2002

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