Arianna’s Lament
Dear God, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I’d like to add two more pedantic points to an otherwise complete and fantastically nit-picky article:
1. Years are not possessive of anything so, when referencing a decade just put the plural s, not possessive apostrophe-s, e.g., the 1960s.
2. Names that end with an s get an apostrophe-s if the possessor is singular, e.g., Jack Davis’s car. If the possessors are plural, you just add the apostrophe, e.g., The Davis’ home.
It sure isn’t easy to be so uselessly burdened with knowledge of the rapidly decaying art of English syntax.
Posted by Jonathan at 01:53 AM, 19 December 2002 | Comments (0)
Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics
My father gave me a good bit of advice before the onset of the cold weather. “Son,” he told me, “get yourself a pair of thermal underwear.” His business demands a lot of time spent outdoors, which generally isn’t a problem in the summer, as long as one looks out for dehydration, but the winter gets uncomfortable quickly. Layering clothes helps quite a bit to stay warm, but I cringed at the thought of wearing thermal underwear.
Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics #1: Clothing that grandmothers want you to wear are lame, nerdy, uncomfortable clothes.
My grandmother always told me to wear thermal underwear, t-shirts under my t-shirts, scarves, gloves, knit hats, and heavy winter jackets as soon as the temperature fell below 62° (16° C for my Canadian friends). Grandma liked button-down shirts with starchy collars, ties, shoes instead of sneakers, non-tube socks; although she’d buy me a bunch of tube socks every birthday for the upcoming school season. In short, when I was 5 until, let’s say, 27, I hated all of the clothing that my grandmother would have liked to see me in. But then something happened.
Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics #2: When you can buy your own lame, nerdy clothes, at least you can make sure they’re comfortable.
Correlation to Law #2: Grandparents buy uncomfortable clothes for their grandkids.
What happened was I got a job that required “business casual” attire. Despite my insistence that blue jeans and a relatively clean Pink Floyd t-shirt qualified, the dress code required the expansion of my wardrobe into old, undisturbed realms that I had not visited since my Confirmation. I had to wear ties and Oxford shirts and something called Dockers and shoes that had no swish nor rhymed with “bok.” I quickly discovered that spending just a little more money for these dreadful clothes afforded me comfort when I wore them. I swear, the first time I wore dress shoes that didn’t make my toes feel like they were being crushed, I thought the whole square-toed, stiff-shoed experiences from my childhood were some kind of ritualistic foot-binding that my relatives thought could bring in more money for my dowry. Not only were the shoes I was wearing comfortable, but, as I began to pay attention to my sneaker-clad peers, they were actually pretty good looking.
Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics #3: Man makes the clothing. You look as cool as you are willing to spend, in money and time.
Pretty much overnight my entire outlook towards clothing changed. T-shirts under dress shirts made sense, because the t-shirt was softer and prevented chaffing of the sensitive parts of a man’s chest. Boxers were so much better than briefs, because, well, let me just assure you that the binding feeling I got with those childhood shoes had nothing on the binding feeling that jockey’s give me. Dress socks were another genuine surprise. The thin elastic ones that you can see through were big hits a couple of generations ago, and, as noted, are purchased exclusively now to punish grandkids. But there are thick, cushiony socks in every imaginable earth-tone, and they look better in those comfy dress shoes, too. Nothing screams “I live with my mother” more than a grown man in Dockers, loafers, and tube socks. I learned to coordinate and accessorize. Ties still bothered me, and will forever. I can’t tie them correctly, and no matter what the knot or fabric, ties are meant to be noosed around the throat without a gap between the collar and the tie knot. I did buy ties that looked good, but I have never appreciated them like I have the socks, shoes, belts, etc.
Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics #4: What comes around goes around. Soon you too will wear what your grandmother wanted you to.
But winter clothes were still stuck in my mind as things for four year-olds. So when my father suggested thermal underwear to keep warm this season, I silently scoffed. And bought a pair. As soon as I put them on, I noted the similarity to comfy flannel pajamas. Flannel pajamas are another thing that Grandma would give to me on holidays. I resisted wearing them until one particularly cold winter, and now I look forward to getting them every Christmas. Getting back to the thermals, they just work. I’ve been outside in freezing weather for hours at a time, and my nose gets a little frosty, but that’s about it. I’m about to invest in several other pairs. I wear two layers of shirts, which means a t-shirt under a t-shirt. I wear gloves. I’m not wearing a knit hat, but I’m not opposed to it at this point. Even my dorky winter jacket is a comfort to me. I’m not ready for a scarf. Not yet. It must be something about the neck. And yet, every day I go out for work, I think to myself that this is how my grandmother wanted me to look when I went out to the bus stop, but I insisted that I was comfortable in just my denim jacket and blue jeans with the hole in the knee. What a stupid kid I was.
Posted by Jonathan at 08:54 PM, 06 December 2002 | Comments (1)
Ahem.
*cough, cough* Excuse me. Just clearing a small amount of doubt from my throat.
Posted by Jonathan at 10:53 AM, 03 December 2002 | Comments (1)
WWJD?
We interrupt this blog for a very special interview with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Jesus: Thank you very much, Mac, for letting me take this opportunity to address the world at large to answer a question that has been raised recently, namely, “What would Jesus drink?” I think the answer to this is obvious...
MacPhoenix: Excuse me, Jesus, but...
Jesus: Hey, Mac, didn’t you ever learn that it isn’t nice to interrupt? Especially when I decide whether or not you get into heaven?
MacPhoenix: Yes, Lord, but...
Jesus: Thank you. Anyway, anyone who knows Me knows that I love a drop of Manischewitz now and again. So when someone asks, “What would Jesus drink?” you can assure him that I drink Manischewitz. But lately...
MacPhoenix: Um, Jesus, You see...
Jesus: Look, Mac, you gave Me this opportunity to answer this philosophical question that has been all over the media, and I’m answering it. To continue, sometimes on a Sunday night after all the prayers have been answered, St. Peter and I like to kick back and watch some football with a few brewskis. Lately, I’ve been into Magic Hat’s Fat Angel. It’s got a really nice, mellow flavor, and it reminds me of Raphael, who’s been putting on a few pounds in the past millennium.
MacPhoenix: Jesus, I’m sorry. We want to know what would Jesus drive, not what You would drink.
Jesus: Beg pardon?
MacPhoenix: Yeah, the question is, “What would Jesus drive?”
Jesus: But I don’t drive.
MacPhoenix: But if You did?
Jesus: Look, I’ve been doing just fine for two thousand years with just My sandals. The last thing I need to worry about is insurance. I mean, you turn into a senior citizen and those rates shoot right up to heaven. I’m a senior 30 times over. And I wouldn’t even know where to buy one. We don’t have any car salesmen up here. And do I put one of those tacky fish on My car? Or maybe just a vanity plate spelling out “JESUS,” and a tag border that says “Be very careful: Your Savior is in this car.”
MacPhoenix: Thank You, Jesus, for taking the time to answer this thought-provoking question. Next week, we’ll be talking to the Pat Robertson on his views about gay, Liberal Muslims: Are they the chosen people? Good night.
Posted by Jonathan at 01:42 AM, 02 December 2002 | Comments (2)
