Best Spam Ever

Verbatim:

Subject: Former President Bill Klinton uses Voagra!

Everybody knows the great sexual scandal known as “Klinton-Levinsky”. After the relations like this Klintons popularity raised a lot! It is a natural phenomenon, because Bill as a real man in order not to shame himself when he was with Monica regularly used Voagra. What happened you see. His political figure became more bright and more attractive.
It is very important for a man to be respected as a man!

Posted by Jonathan at 03:58 PM, 10 February 2006 | Comments (0)

Monster Target

I posted a resume on Monster.com about a year ago and never got any job offers. I’m not surprised or bitter about this. It’s just a statement of facts. My resume reflects my general knowledge of all aspects of graphic design, and, as such, is targeted towards nothing in particular.

But a couple of weeks ago, I got a call from Primerica. Lo and behold, someone there got my resume from Monster.com and I was a perfect match for their company! That was amazing to me because my sales experience can be summed up by the four months I worked in Sears selling hammers. But the message was funny, because the nice, well-spoken, eager young lad on the phone never once said how I’d be a perfect fit for Primerica. Did they need a new ad campaign or something? Were they entering the printing market and needed a decent paste-up artist?

I knew of Primerica long before this phone call. Before Citigroup purchased them, and gave them a needed veneer of legitimacy, the Primerica guys would come to Kinko’s to get their business cards printed, and they would chat up all of us in the Computer Services department. Just like the Amway guys. And much like the Amway guys, they’d ask us if we’d like to make x-amount of dollars per year, but the Primerica guys always made that figure 10 times greater than the Amway folks.

And the Primerica guys were always slicker, with their suits and nicely shined shoes. And they were always in that 25 to 35 year-old range. And they were always male.

But, unlike the Amway folks who pretended to sell products, the Primerica guys were terrifically vague with what Primerica actually sold. Oh, sure, Primerica was the fast way to financial independence. It was for go-getters like me (and the rest of the wage-slaves working at Kinko’s). It’s based on proven business techniques. Sure it was hard work, but the rewards were multitudinous. It was certainly not illegal or a scam.

…oh, multi-level marketers. When will you ever learn?

Anyway, these well-pressed clones all sang the same song, and on my voice-mail the other week, I heard that familiar tune. But this one bothered me a bit more than the slick-suits who were so hard up for contacts that they bothered the slackers working in a copy shop. I mean, this guy was pretending to offer me a job. All he really wanted was for me to return his phone call, so he could sell me on Primerica. Did I mention that Primerica was a subsidiary of the Citigroup? Because he did. Twice.

On that same level of cheese, I get this email today with the subject, “Your Resume” (emphasis mine):

Your resume reflects the type of experience needed to be successful at American Income Life Insurance Company. That’s why I was excited when I received your resume but was disappointed when you did not reply to my e-mail. We currently have an immediate opening in your area and I believe you are the perfect candidate for this position.

Our unique marketing niche enables us to supply our sales force with leads of union members who have indicated an interest in reviewing our products. With American Income, there is virtually no prospecting for leads.

Many new representatives are shocked by how quickly their earnings escalate. Selling insurance is not hard. There are no education degrees necessary, only minimal licensing requirements. You don’t need prior sales experience, just a desire to succeed. In fact, we offer an in-field training program, flexible hours and full support.

Your earning potential is unlimited. Many new representatives earn from $60,000 to $90,000 or more their first year. There’s no more depending on someone else for a raise. You are in control of increasing your earnings.

Please CLICK HERE [link removed] to learn more about this important opportunity. We are eager to speak with you as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Roger Smith
President And Chief Executive Officer
American Income Life Insurance Company
1200 Wooded Acres Drive
Waco, TX 76710

P.S. You received this E-mail because you responded to our ad or placed your resume on one of the internet job boards. To unsubscribe from future E-mails follow the link below.

We would like to keep you updated on exciting job opportunities at American Income; we will continue to alert you when we have openings at our local offices. Click here. [link removed] to unsubscribe from further communication regarding job opportunities at American Income. Please allow two to three business days for the removal process of your E-mail address to be complete. American Income Life Insurance Company * 1200 Wooded Acres * Waco TX 76710

This message contains information which is privileged and confidential and is solely for the use of the intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient, be aware that any review, disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of the contents of this message is strictly prohibited. If you have received this in error, please destroy it immediately and notify us at PrivacyAct@torchmarkcorp.com.

A couple things to note: My name is nowhere on this email, and it has nothing to do with the jobs that I’m interested in—they just harvested the email address I left on Monster.com. But Roger tells me that he was excited to receive my resume, and so was upset when I didn’t email him back, an amusingly blatant lie. Why would I trust a company like this when they can’t even be honest with why they’re contacting me? This supposed insurance company is an MLM, too, because they want to sell me the privilege of selling the company to others. The no-repost notice at the end is a fine bit of irony, too.

I also find it humorous that they tell me that I received their email either because I spoke to them in the past or posted my resume on a job board, a job board where I specified not to be contacted by third-parties, I might add. I don’t blame Monster for this, but it does serve as a lesson to job searchers out there. There are sharks searching for you, too.

Posted by Jonathan at 12:39 PM, 01 February 2006 | Comments (4)