There was an ad for I, Robot that, mercifully, hasn’t been shown in this market for a couple of days. The voice-over said, ominously, “We designed them to be trusted with our children, our families, and our homes, but did we design them to be trusted?” The annoying sound you hear is the venting of my eternal frustration at copywriters that are that dumb. And that entry is my vote for the second dumbest thing ever written for an advertisement. The first, and I hope you don’t ever see this commercial, is for a company called Vital Basics, which is a stupid miracle vitamin that boosts your metabolism, keeps you alert and awake, and cures dropsy. These guys are so confident you’ll love their product that they are giving it away for free. And so says an unscripted man-on-the-street testimonial from a woman with the shrillest voice imaginable. She shrieks, “They’re giving it away FREE? It must be good.” When she cackles the word “free” it sours milk and causes grown men to weep. It breaks teevee tubes and my glasses. It keeps me up at night with cold shivers. But besides all that: What type of logic is that? Surely I could ask, “They charge thousands of dollars for that? It must be good.” Or even, “They charge $5.95 for shipping and handling? That must be how they make their money.”

4 thoughts on “The Maddening

  1. Oh good g-d, YES! That woman screaching at the camera with her idiotic lack of reason makes me wish I were deaf. The only commercial that is worse is the one for some kind of yogurt or something and it has two woman talking about how good it is. Like, “It’s a-day-off-from-work Gooooood. No, no it’s puppy-dogs-and-butterflies GOOOOD! Oh, nO! It’s multiple-orgasm GOOOOooooOOOooooOOOOD!” FUCK! I have to jump for the remote and hit mute every time that thing comes on. I thought it had played out and then there it was last night. It truly is the bane of my existence. (I need to get out more and get myself a more impressive bane…)

  2. Personally, I think the Sticks-N-Stuff commercials with Tina Gordon are the worst thing to happen to television since “Reality” TV. (Reality? I very often find myself trapped on an obscure island where men compete agaisnt women in tasks like building a shelter out of coconuts and palm fronds and the team that does the worst is forced to eject someone from the group. Happens every other week.) I personally think that if the commercial was never aired again, somehow, world hunger would cease. “Hi! I’m Tina Gordon! Driver of the Sticks-N-Stuff race car!” I don’t know what’s worse, that her race car is identified by an advertisement for the worst furniture store ever, or that Sticks-N-Stuff sucks so much that they have to get the most peculiar famous (and I use the word loosely) person ever.

  3. Can you listen to the tina gordon sticks and stuff ad’s anywhere on the net? I think ther are hilarious! Canu beleeb dat?

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