The Whatever Ten
It’s that time of year again: Time to turn the last year’s worth of entertainment into meaningless top ten lists. So how can I resist the urge to throw my hat into the ring? The following ten cinematic moments don’t necessarily represent the worst of the year, but manage to spark the most violently negative reactions I’ve had in 2000. Without further ado:
10) Hamlet—Please stop trying to adapt this into modern times! To have Hamlet making his “To be or not to be...” speech while roaming the isles of Blockbuster Video smells of product placement, not of any real risk taking. Boring as all get-out. Whatever.
9) Mission to Mars—No other film this year managed to be so good in the first hour and then turn to complete garbage in the next. A total waste of time and a quality cast (Tim Robbins, Gary Sinise, Don Cheadle). Whatever.
8) Here on Earth/Whatever It Takes/Down to You/Boys and Girls/Loser—Essentially all five of these movies are the same film with the same old interchangeable faces. Normally, I’m a big fan of teen movies in general. I mean, who could have made it through high school in the 80s without John Hughes? But with this crop, the serious ones were funny, and the funny ones weren’t funny enough. Whatever.
7) The Big Kahuna—Kevin Spacey, who won a second Oscar this year, shows us how even good actors make bad decisions. So inert, it’s like looking at stills. Please don’t ask me to recount the plot. I can’t. I can’t! Whatever.
6) The Replacements—Almost two hours of my life cruelly snatched away from me, but it’s my own fault because I knew this would be a bad movie, and it was! A comedy about scab NFL players? Who thought this was funny? Who thought at all? Whatever!
5) The In-Crowd—A hysterically campy, bad-movie-we-love in the making. Just one problem: Don’t advertise a quote where you tell us that the film is a “cross between I Know what You Did Last Summer and Wild Things,” and not deliver the goods! Whatever!
4) 102 Dalmatians/The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas—sequels to hit movies ripped of from other sources, which actually were good before they were remade into audience-sucking hits and diluted into worthless, shameless shadows of their former glory. Whatever!
3) Dude, Where’s My Car?—Dude, where’s my refund? WHATever!
2) Charlie’s Angels—A complete lack of self-restraint, taste, or control sold as girl power. WHATever!
and...
1) The Next Best Thing—TO HELL!!!!!! How many ways is this film bad? My head hurts just counting. If someone commits a felony and gets sentenced to life in prison, this should be the only thing he ever gets to see for as long as he lives. I think we’d finally see that sharp reduction in crime we’re always looking for. AMEN and WHATEVER!!!!!
I conclude with a memo to Winona Ryder:
Winona,
As someone who is greatly concerned about your welfare, please get off the drugs, or fire your agent, or take up yoga, or SOMETHING! Please! First, you forced Girl, Interrupted on us. Not a bad movie, but all you did was pout and smoke while Angelina Jolie won an Oscar. Then there’s the abysmal Autumn in New York. Why? Richard Gere is twice your age and about as sexy or interesting as a doorstop. The Winona I knew from Heathers, Beetlejuice, etc., wouldn’t go anywhere near stuff like that. And finally, there is Lost Souls, which had been sitting on a shelf gathering dust for over a year and a half. The best thing that can be said about this film is that it ends. The second best thing that can be said is if you really did have a showdown with the devil, it could only end as this film has depicted.
I blame none of this on you, Winona. Please get help. There are a great many of us who still feel you have a great talent and unlimited potential and are hoping to see you in a film that is worthy of your presence.
Think about it.
Love,
Thom Becker