Forward Thinking
So last night I’m driving down Lakeland Avenue, delivering fine foodstuffs for customers of Lynda’s Eat Well and Be Well, and it’s about an hour into a snow storm that will eventually dump 4 inches of snow in the area. Lakeland Ave, for those not familiar, is a four lane road and the speed limit is 50 MPH. It’s a fairly trafficked road, and at that point in the evening, even though it was late, the road was just wet; no snow was sticking to it, and the temperature was above freezing.
I mention all this, because as one of Long Island’s premier Offensive Drivers, I get impatient with hesitant drivers very quickly. And when ever there is snow in the air, people begin to drive very hesitantly, which reminds me of an aside:
When Katherine and I went to Las Vegas, we took a side trip to the Grand Canyon. We drove 6 hours to get there, and we didn’t see much of it, since it was cold and the sun was setting. I raced back in 4 and a half hours, determined not to stop or slow down for anything. In the middle of the ride back, it started to rain. It wasn’t a bad rain for driving, because it wasn’t so hard that it ruined visibility, and it wasn’t a drizzle that causes the oil embedded in the surface of the road to rise up and make everything dangerously slippery. It was just a steady rhythm of rain. But you wouldn’t have known it from the way everyone else was driving. And you wouldn’t have known it from the radio. The radio deejays were warning all of us to get indoors and stay off the roads.
The rains lasted about 40 minutes. I heard nothing about flooding or flood warnings anywhere in the area. They were all just crazy with fear about something that they only dealt with a few times a year.
And so it goes with Long Island drivers and snow. The very smell of it makes brake lights squeeze on.
I just want to get where I’m going. I don’t trust other drivers, and their supposed caution actually makes me far more nervous than anything else. Last night there were more cars driving in between lanes and mysteriously slowing down or stopping than any other time on the run I make every week. Visibility was fine—road conditions were fine. But some horrible white stuff was falling from an angry sky. God must be angry with us for saying Happy Holidays.
My patience wears thin faster than normal in such circumstances; although, that’s not saying much, since my patience is pretty threadbare to begin with. So when that stupid minivan started swerving into my lane, I thought I responded appropriately by flashing my lights a couple of times and beeping my horn. He moved back into his lane and withstood my withering glare as I passed him. But then the pinhead directly in front of me, began to brake indiscriminately. He had been going 60 MPH and was 4 or 5 car lengths ahead of me, with nothing but clear sailing in front of him. He slowed down to 30, and I passed, at which point he moved behind me and started flashing his brights at me. Idiot. If by some amazing chance that guy is reading this: Crackhead! You’re an insecure moron! Must be compensating for your tiny member!
Anyway, he continued this for a good minute or two, flashing his brights at me. Part of me wanted to stop the car in some amazing Steve McQueen maneuver, spinning around at just the right moment to block the other guy from moving around me, forcing him to slam on his brakes and, I don’t know, swerve into to tree or something. My anger, unchecked, will be the death of me, long before it destroys all pinheads. And besides, I had places to go and deliveries to make.
Now, people, please just get out my way.
Posted by Jonathan at 10:39 AM, 06 December 2005
