Holy Shit

It is wonderful to know that not only does my personal philosophy doom me to eternal damnation, but so does my computer. In this extraordinarily amusing article (Note: the original page is down as of 27 Apr 02. This link is a Text only copy I made, violating the spirit, if not the meat, of several copyright laws.), the good Dr. Richard Paley discovers the connection between Apple Computers and the satanic belief in Evolution. That link, of course, is Darwin.

Darwin, as most know the word, is the name of the scientist behind all our modern troubles thanks to the godless, secular education system that teaches our children about the satanic belief in Evolution. Darwin is also the core operating system in Mac OS X. Now Apple didn’t actually name that operating system Darwin, since its name is derived from the fact that it evolved off an older system called BSD, but that is something that Dr. Paley easily glosses over. Darwin, the operating system, is open-source, meaning that many programmers add to the development of the system, and that everyone can use these developments in their own ways, since no one actually owns it. Open-source, according to Dr. Paley, “is just another name for Communism.”

Communism. Satanic Communism. Right.

And Apple Computer is obviously tempting us to follow the path to destruction. The damned logo is a bitten apple, of which Dr. Paley knowingly winks to us, “Most Bible scholars think that it was more likely a fig…, but popular culture holds that it was an apple and it is this popular culture that the forces of Satan are trying to sway.” Dare I tell the good doctor that up to a couple of years ago the Apple logo was the colors of the rainbow, which are the same colors on the banners of godless homosexuals? He missed that one, but not the “secret code” to change permissions on files in order to read and write to them, where one opens up the Terminal application and types “chmod 666.”

Nevermind, please, that this is a Unix command that is 25 years old, and represents the permission for owner, group, and everyone to read and write to the file. Very few times would anyone ever have to do this, preferring to set permissions to 655, which would only give the owner of the file the permission to change it. Still, allowing anyone access to change a file is also Communism, so I guess his point is still valid.

Now it is easy to make the leap of logic, since Apple is by nature “anti-Christian and cultish…, is it any wonder that they have decided to base their newest operating system on Darwinism? This just reaffirms the position that Darwinism is… spread through propaganda and subliminal trickery, not a science as its brainwashed followers would have us believe.”

Oh, Jesus. I’m brainwashed because I agree with a testable theory of science? I should have known. Come to think of it, I did have some doubts about Evolution back in high school until I started working for the school newspaper. That was when I first started following the dark path of desktop publishing on the Macintosh.

OS X, like every Unix system before uses processes called daemons, “ which is how Pagans write ‘demon,’ in case you were wondering. If I ever thought that Unix geeks were just too clever for themselves by putting inside-jokes and puns within their programs, I have just been fooling myself. The creators of Unix were Pagans and Idolaters. The heathens behind Darwin, the operating system, even came up with a little pagan logo “no doubt to influence children…. They’re not doing a very good job keeping their ties to the forces of darkness a secret, are they?”

Finally, the good doctor tells us, “The first personal computer sold by Apple was priced by Steve Jobs and his hippy friend Steve Wozniak at $666. Need we say more?” His clever use of the royal pronoun highlights the moral high ground that he and his fellow Christians can take. The actual price of the first Apple was $666.66, which has a couple of too many decimal places to fit in with the numerological equivalent of Emperor Nero’s name, but we can clearly see that this number was chosen for nefarious reasons.

I am so terribly lucky that Dr. Paley showed me the deep and diabolical link between Darwin and Darwin. Without him I might still believe that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution was sound science, and that any reference to him, which I previously took as appealing to the logical and scientific amongst us, actually leads to hell, or at least to my damned computer.

Update 05 May 02: Many folks are claiming that the essay that my response was based on was a hoax. It may be less than serious, and there is no doubt that Dr. Richard Paley was a figment of the actual authors imagination, but the arguments presented ring true. I’ve heard these arguments about evolution (but not Apple embracing the dark side!) when I was living in Florida. And I believe the author was not poking fun at Christianity as many have opined. The original pages have been taken down, and I do not know if the truth will ever be revealed because no one has come forward to admit writing them. I maintain the complete text of the article on my site, rather than the original web link, and I invite you to judge the veracity, not of the argument, but of the belief that lay behind it.