Categories
Rant

The Trojan President

I am showing my age here, but I remember vividly hating Reagan and his gang of buffoons. He was the Teflon President; nothing the press nor Congress (a Democratic Congress at that — there I go showing my age again) could say or do would diminish Reagan in the eyes of his handlers or the public. Reagan is now treated as a mythic, god-like president, an untouchable, redoubtable, unquestionable presence in the 20th-century world stage. And I miss him.

I haven’t changed my mind about his awful presidency. Nor have I come to believe the pundit-wisdom that he was responsible for the fall of the Evil Empire. He led the nation into an intractable conservative mode of thought that we haven’t been able to shake off, despite all reason and moral clarity otherwise, for nearly 25 years. Yes, he was bad and made my nation poorer in the process, but, Lord, I miss him, because he was original.
Now our puppet president is just a super-condensed rehash of the original. Want moralist Ed Meese? We’ve got fightin’ John Ashcroft. Want a dab of George Schultz, Al Haig, and James Watts? Hey, glom them all together in Dick Cheney. Sure, the cast today is more colorful than the pasty-white team that was the Reagan administration, but pound for pound W’s crew is just as reactionary as Reagan’s. Reagan, too, reduced our rights and invaded our privacy, and set it all to the sweet music of the dawning of a new morality. Reagan, too, blithely ran up deficits while cutting taxes for the wealthy, calling it economic stimulus. Reagan, too, deregulated industry just enough to feed the vultures, but never enough to ensure that trade was fair, nor that prices were truly market driven.

But this is all name-calling. So what? Who cares? The only reason that this is pertinent to me is that we’ve been issued what can only be called a Civil Defense warning, by our Office of Homeland Security, to duct tape our doors in case of terrorist attack. Department stores in Virginia have run out of stock, so if you live in that area, let me know. Long Islanders are apparently more blasé about the warnings. We have plenty in our stores. I’ll send you a roll or two at cost. No need to profit over groundless fears.

Groundless? No, that’s not the right word. Useless. Yeah, that’s the one. See the whole thing reminds me so much of the Civil Defense instructions that we received when we were sure that the end result of Reagan’s arms-buildup was nuclear war, that I just can’t take these warnings seriously. We were actually told, in the event that Soviets launched their arsenal of massive death, to dig shallow trenches in the soft earth and cover ourselves with something sturdy, like a wooden door. Yep. When over 10 feet of the Earth’s crust evaporates into fine dust particles to hasten a nuclear winter, we’ll all be very happy that we dug a shallow trench.

So, I’m thinking that duct tape around our doors won’t keep out the radiation or Anthrax or Smallpox or Halitosis or whatever those sneaky terrorists are going to unleash on us. I’m thinking that this is the media sideshow that takes away from what is really happening, and what really needs to be done. And what really needs to be done is voting these ingrates out of office, but it looks like it will be a long couple of years before we get to do that.

Categories
Short Subjects

Big Wheels

For some reason, this evening I was drawn to the memory of Tiananmen Square back in 1989, and the dull thud of our inaction towards China. Sometimes, I’m afraid to admit, I just don’t understand the big wheels that turn in the American approach to foreign affairs. Ever since Nixon, we’ve been trying to court the biggest abuser of human rights, because it is also the biggest nation of consumers. Now we’re using China as a wedge to get into the hearts and minds of the North Koreans, but China and North Korea are at the lowest point in their own relations with each other since before the 1950s. China is just once again using America as a way to show that they’re a world-team player. And America is still content to see China as a nation of 1.25 billion wearers of Nike sneakers and purchasers of McDonald Happy Meals.

My country paints odd strokes of huge monochromatic color over everything. Don’t these ravenous American (multi-national really) companies realize that China is the largest producer of pirated material? It’s a devil’s bargain.

We become so obsessed with seeing regions or countries or leaders in one way. It’s childlike in its breathtaking naiveté. Current thought would make one believe that there were Iraqis hijackers on the airplanes of 9/11, but there were not. No Afghanis either. A bunch of Saudis though. And Saudi Arabia is the country that exported the Wahabi form of Islamic thought to Pakistan. The Pakistani secret service trained Wahabi clerics and sent them into Afghanistan to successfully take over the country as the Taliban. The Taliban sheltered the al Qaeda and the exiled Saudi, Osama bin Laden. But oil-rich Saudi Arabia is an ally to the United States, according to our doctrine of being blind to real danger.

There is no real relevance to this post to anything current. Except maybe there is. Bush Sr. did nothing in the wake of Tiananmen, and later invaded Iraq to help our friends, the house of Saud, protect their tyrannical hold over their country. Maybe there is.

Categories
Short Subjects

Funny Onion article

Heh.

Categories
Silliness

National Sanctity of Life Day

Ah, what a wonderful National Sanctity of Life Day I had yesterday. To celebrate, I spilled my seed in my neighbors’ victory garden and painted babies and small children with clown makeup. Not at the same time, of course. That would be sick.

Categories
Rant

I laugh when it hurts

The Bushies are just so, so very funny. Please, join me in a hearty laugh.
John Ashcroft defends his civil rights record. Bwah-ha-ha! Oh, Lord, he says, “More eloquently than any attorney general before or since, Dr. Martin Luther King spoke of…” MLK was an attorney general? Ashcroft wouldn’t have thrown that rabble-rouser in jail a dozen times in as many days? Ha, ha, ha!

GW declares Sunday National Sanctity of Human Life Day. Oh, stop. No. No. Bwah, ha, ha! Non-Iraqi life for sure. Ha! No, get this, it’s the day before the 30th Anniversary of Roe v Wade! Whatta great joke!!! Mr. Fry-em-high-in-Texas is all for the Sanctity of Human Life! It’s a new holiday from the genius behind Jesus Day! Ah, ha, ha!

No, no, health care is too expensive, right? ::Giggle:: Why? ::Snicker:: Because of the amount that injured patients can win from their doctors in malpractice cases. Democrats charge that the changes would deprive patients of fair compensation, but Ari Fleischer, get this, says, “At a time when moms have to change doctors to deliver their babies, that type of division is not helpful.” Huh? What? Ha, ha, ha! Too funny!

But hey, GW is so compassionate that he listens to everyone in his administration. Especially Karl Rove. Oh, that’s not a joke. Damn. I’m done laughing. The biggest joke of the lot is that everyone says Cheney is president, but it’s all Rove. Try this little experiment: Do a Google search of Karl Rove and see how many times his grubby fingerprints are spotted on the Bushie agenda. Too bad we didn’t actually elect him. Hmmm… like shadow, like son.

Categories
Short Subjects

FUVs

The SUV is taking a lot of negative press these days, thanks to a new book out called High and Mighty: SUVs — The World’s Most Dangerous Vehicles and How They Got That Way. The New Repubic’s January 20th issue has a great critique/companion article on the book, and I just finished reading a humorous online article from SFGate.com. I can only hope this is the peak of the SUV craze, and it is all downhill for them from here on in.

Just as a matter of making things clear, as High and Mighty points out, SUV are more dangerous for their owners than all other cars except sub-compacts and pickups. Traffic death rates were falling until they flatlined due to the popularity of SUVs, despite the fact that safety features were added to all vehicles in that time. The cargo and passenger room in SUVs tends to be smaller than regular automobiles. And car manufactures spend little on designing improved versions of SUVs (except Ford after going through the nightmare of product recalls for poorly designed Explorers), making SUVs one of the cheapest vehicles to manufacture, but then they are sold for a premium and reap huge profits for auto makers. Guess that’s why they don’t bother to improve anything about them.

Categories
Short Subjects

Sings Point to Dumb

I just saw Signs on DVD. Part of the reason I didn’t like it, admittedly, was that I had larger expectations for it. Not too large, mind you, just larger than the movie turned out to have. I expected a twist at the end. There was no twist, just the playing out of what the movie called coincidence, but in reality was a set up by M. Night Shyamalan. But the problem with the set up was that there was no reason to care. The causes and events that play a vitally important role in the climax of the film were picked because they played a vitally important role in the climax of the film. The audience is just strung along.

This was only part of the problem, though. What really bothered me about the movie was the total break down of believability. The film held my interest long enough to make me question whether or not the aliens had a terrestrial explanation. We were supposed to feel ambiguity, because fantastic events kept intruding on the main characters’ normal world. But as the film progressed, we were asked to accept that these events were unfolding because of an alien invasion. So the crop circles were a method of navigation used by an interstellar attack fleet? Sure, they can find our needle in a haystack of a planet, no problem, but they can’t coordinate landing over major cities without giving us weeks of advanced warning, and luckily every city is within miles of the cornfields that they used to plot their courses. And is there no better planet to harvest for food? For a hydrophobic creature, they sure picked the wrong big, blue ball of water to land on. And were they not aware of mighty axes that we Earthlings wield? Because that probably would have helped them get through the doors that they were so confounded by.

But there is an explanation for the stupidity of the alien race that crossed thousands of light years just to be beaten back by baseball bats and glasses of water. See, M. Night Shyamalan is a great director (not writer, just director), and like all great directors, he loves movies. So this movie is just a collage of movies that he always wanted to make. So we have the paranoia of War of the Worlds, the creatures from The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and the weakness of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz. What we don’t have with Signs is a good movie.

Categories
Metablogs

Arianna’s Lament

Dear God, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I’d like to add two more pedantic points to an otherwise complete and fantastically nit-picky article:

  1. Years are not possessive of anything so, when referencing a decade just put the plural s, not possessive apostrophe-s, e.g., the 1960s.
  2. Names that end with an s get an apostrophe-s if the possessor is singular, e.g., Jack Davis’s car. If the possessors are plural, you just add the apostrophe, e.g., The Davis’ home.

It sure isn’t easy to be so uselessly burdened with knowledge of the rapidly decaying art of English syntax.

Categories
Essays

Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics

My father gave me a good bit of advice before the onset of the cold weather. “Son,” he told me, “get yourself a pair of thermal underwear.” His business demands a lot of time spent outdoors, which generally isn’t a problem in the summer, as long as one looks out for dehydration, but the winter gets uncomfortable quickly. Layering clothes helps quite a bit to stay warm, but I cringed at the thought of wearing thermal underwear.

Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics #1: Clothing that grandmothers want you to wear are lame, nerdy, uncomfortable clothes.

My grandmother always told me to wear thermal underwear, t-shirts under my t-shirts, scarves, gloves, knit hats, and heavy winter jackets as soon as the temperature fell below 62° (16° C for my Canadian friends). Grandma liked button-down shirts with starchy collars, ties, shoes instead of sneakers, non-tube socks; although she’d buy me a bunch of tube socks every birthday for the upcoming school season. In short, when I was 5 until, let’s say, 27, I hated all of the clothing that my grandmother would have liked to see me in. But then something happened.

Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics #2: When you can buy your own lame, nerdy clothes, at least you can make sure they’re comfortable.

Correlation to Law #2: Grandparents buy uncomfortable clothes for their grandkids.

What happened was I got a job that required “business casual” attire. Despite my insistence that blue jeans and a relatively clean Pink Floyd t-shirt qualified, the dress code required the expansion of my wardrobe into old, undisturbed realms that I had not visited since my Confirmation. I had to wear ties and Oxford shirts and something called Dockers and shoes that had no swish nor rhymed with “bok.” I quickly discovered that spending just a little more money for these dreadful clothes afforded me comfort when I wore them. I swear, the first time I wore dress shoes that didn’t make my toes feel like they were being crushed, I thought the whole square-toed, stiff-shoed experiences from my childhood were some kind of ritualistic foot-binding that my relatives thought could bring in more money for my dowry. Not only were the shoes I was wearing comfortable, but, as I began to pay attention to my sneaker-clad peers, they were actually pretty good looking.

Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics #3: Man makes the clothing. You look as cool as you are willing to spend, in money and time.

Pretty much overnight my entire outlook towards clothing changed. T-shirts under dress shirts made sense, because the t-shirt was softer and prevented chaffing of the sensitive parts of a man’s chest. Boxers were so much better than briefs, because, well, let me just assure you that the binding feeling I got with those childhood shoes had nothing on the binding feeling that jockey’s give me. Dress socks were another genuine surprise. The thin elastic ones that you can see through were big hits a couple of generations ago, and, as noted, are purchased exclusively now to punish grandkids. But there are thick, cushiony socks in every imaginable earth-tone, and they look better in those comfy dress shoes, too. Nothing screams “I live with my mother” more than a grown man in Dockers, loafers, and tube socks. I learned to coordinate and accessorize. Ties still bothered me, and will forever. I can’t tie them correctly, and no matter what the knot or fabric, ties are meant to be noosed around the throat without a gap between the collar and the tie knot. I did buy ties that looked good, but I have never appreciated them like I have the socks, shoes, belts, etc.

Russell’s Law of Thermal Dynamics #4: What comes around goes around. Soon you too will wear what your grandmother wanted you to.

But winter clothes were still stuck in my mind as things for four year-olds. So when my father suggested thermal underwear to keep warm this season, I silently scoffed. And bought a pair. As soon as I put them on, I noted the similarity to comfy flannel pajamas. Flannel pajamas are another thing that Grandma would give to me on holidays. I resisted wearing them until one particularly cold winter, and now I look forward to getting them every Christmas. Getting back to the thermals, they just work. I’ve been outside in freezing weather for hours at a time, and my nose gets a little frosty, but that’s about it. I’m about to invest in several other pairs. I wear two layers of shirts, which means a t-shirt under a t-shirt. I wear gloves. I’m not wearing a knit hat, but I’m not opposed to it at this point. Even my dorky winter jacket is a comfort to me. I’m not ready for a scarf. Not yet. It must be something about the neck. And yet, every day I go out for work, I think to myself that this is how my grandmother wanted me to look when I went out to the bus stop, but I insisted that I was comfortable in just my denim jacket and blue jeans with the hole in the knee. What a stupid kid I was.

Categories
Short Subjects

Ahem.

*cough, cough* Excuse me. Just clearing a small amount of doubt from my throat.