Author: MacPhoenix

Categories
Satire/Farce

WWJD?

We interrupt this blog for a very special interview with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus: Thank you very much, Mac, for letting me take this opportunity to address the world at large to answer a question that has been raised recently, namely, “What would Jesus drink?” I think the answer to this is obvious…

MacPhoenix: Excuse me, Jesus, but…

Jesus: Hey, Mac, didn’t you ever learn that it isn’t nice to interrupt? Especially when I decide whether or not you get into heaven?

MacPhoenix: Yes, Lord, but…

Jesus: Thank you. Anyway, anyone who knows Me knows that I love a drop of Manischewitz now and again. So when someone asks, “What would Jesus drink?” you can assure him that I drink Manischewitz. But lately…

MacPhoenix: Um, Jesus, You see…

Jesus: Look, Mac, you gave Me this opportunity to answer this philosophical question that has been all over the media, and I’m answering it. To continue, sometimes on a Sunday night after all the prayers have been answered, St. Peter and I like to kick back and watch some football with a few brewskis. Lately, I’ve been into Magic Hat’s Fat Angel. It’s got a really nice, mellow flavor, and it reminds me of Raphael, who’s been putting on a few pounds in the past millennium.

MacPhoenix: Jesus, I’m sorry. We want to know what would Jesus drive, not what You would drink.

Jesus: Beg pardon?

MacPhoenix: Yeah, the question is, “What would Jesus drive?”

Jesus: But I don’t drive.

MacPhoenix: But if You did?

Jesus: Look, I’ve been doing just fine for two thousand years with just My sandals. The last thing I need to worry about is insurance. I mean, you turn into a senior citizen and those rates shoot right up to heaven. I’m a senior 30 times over. And I wouldn’t even know where to buy one. We don’t have any car salesmen up here. And do I put one of those tacky fish on My car? Or maybe just a vanity plate spelling out “JESUS,” and a tag border that says “Be very careful: Your Savior is in this car.”

MacPhoenix: Thank You, Jesus, for taking the time to answer this thought-provoking question. Next week, we’ll be talking to the Pat Robertson on his views about gay, Liberal Muslims: Are they the chosen people? Good night.

Categories
Short Subjects

Small things

A lesson learned today: My father and I are on a repair job at an Italian-themed chain restaurant. They have a steam table, which isn’t draining. For the reader who hasn’t worked in a commercial kitchen, a steam table is something that keeps sauces and soups warm for quick serving, and works by filling water in a basin and keeping it hot with burners underneath. At the end of the night, the steam table is emptied of its water to prevent corrosion, bacteria buildup, etc. It turns out a penny somehow got stuck in the drain.

Since a penny is not, at last check, food, one has to assume that hijinks somehow played a part in the penny getting sucked into the steam table’s drain.

One penny of mischief: $100 service call.

Lesson learned? The small things can be important, too.

Another small thing: I love the translucent, colorful plastic that coats certain objects, like keys. I just got a spare set of keys with the most candy-like blue plastic coating the tops. I look at it and feel like a five-year old. My brain hums with oooh and aaahs as I touch the smooth plastic and see how the light plays with the color. Shiny. Smooth. Yum!

The first iMacs were these colors, too, no doubt lending to their immidate acceptance. I don’t think I am alone in my love for shiny plastic gumdrops.

And, incedently, colored flood lights are coated with the same material. Another tidbit picked up on the job, today.

Categories
Metablogs

Tough Talk

I don’t care what they say, I stand by my opinion: bin Laden is dead.

(Update May 2011): Guess I was wrong!

Categories
Rant

Ugh.

Apparently, I, and everybody I know, are in a very small minority. So small, in fact, that we can’t get a couple of Democrats elected into the Senate. Not that Democrats are doing anything to dissent from the Bushie doctrine, but, at least with Democrats, there is a small chance that they will. Republicans will toe the line.

Every bit of news media that I’ve read in the past couple of weeks seemed to believe that Democrats were holding their own. Now it looks (as of 1:30 in the morning after election day) that the Democrats gained one measly seat in the House, lost the majority in the Senate, and that W will gloat that his ideals are America’s ideals.

Are they? Weren’t we, the thinking citizens of this country, supposed to send W a message that we can’t stand him in office? I thought so, but apparently, I am in the minority.

A small bit of good news. Here in my hometown, few bought into Joe Finley’s absurd notion of making America safe by electing him into the House. And Felix Grucci somehow lost to Tim Bishop, which is a huge surprise considering the giant political machine that Grucci is in charge of.
But that’s small beans compared to the Senate. Ah, but the Democrats there weren’t really doing anything to stop W anyway. Maybe that is why thinking Americans just couldn’t find it in their hearts and minds to vote for them. Maybe.

Or maybe I’m just a deluded minority in a blood-thirsty, ignorant nation.

Categories
Satire/Farce

Commercial from the Future

The Scene: Two men, hairless, dressed in white jumpsuits stand next to each other in a totally white, sterile room. The men possibly have green concentric rings on their bald heads. The UPC identification tattoos, across their foreheads, are fuzzed out to prevent unauthorized cloning. Both men are glumly eating :|COW PRODUCT®|: bars.

First Man: Did you know that people used to complain about foraging in the forest for nuts and berries?

Second Man: Gee. (Taking another bite from :|COW PRODUCT®|:.) What I wouldn’t give for some nuts and berries, now!

First Man: Yeah, but since there are no more forests, or nuts, or berries, or plant life left on Earth, we’ll never get the opportunity. (Sighs.)

Announcer: Wait, fellows! Now :|COW PRODUCT®|: comes in two flavors: Original great-tasting Cow Flavor™, and new Nut-N-Berry Flavor™!

The :|COW PRODUCT®|: bars in their hands turn magically into new Nut-N-Berry Flavor™.

Both Men: Wow! Thanks :|COW PRODUCT®|:!

:|COW PRODUCT®|: theme song plays, while the two men eat the transformed bars enthusiastically.

Announcer (In softer, faster, disclaimer voice): :|COW PRODUCT®|: is a registered trademark of Archer TySony Food Concerns, LLC, Inc. :|COW PRODUCT®|: contains no meat products, since all the animals were wiped out, too.

Categories
Short Subjects

End of October Blahs

Two thing have been on my mind, lately. Allow me to share them with you.

The first is wondering why a lot of folks in my age group get apoplectic when a twenty-year old cashier refers to them as “sir” or “ma’am.” I was waiting all my life for a bit of respect from any commercial establishment, so it doesn’t bother me at all. And when I think of it, I was referring to everyone as “sir” or “ma’am,” constantly in my retail/service-industry days. What exactly is wrong with honorifics? Getting to be thirty or forty is not that big of a deal these days. I don’t know why many of my peers think that they are suddenly so old that kids think of them as elders.

One interesting thing about time is that you’ll always be older than those younger than you. This sounds trite, I know, but it’s deeper than that. No matter what age you live to, you’ll always have a frame of reference that is different from those that may eventually get to the same age. As soon as you are born, you are a relic of your time. I guess this may not be soothing to those who wish to believe that they are young-at-heart, and “with it,” but it should lead to a different point of view. Your experiences are enriched with time, and you will always have a larger world view than those that are younger.

And what’s more, everyone should be using honorifics, anyway. A clerk who is 10 years older than me should still ask, “Can I help you, sir,” just as much as a clerk 10 years younger. Chief, boss, and dude just don’t convey the respect that we should all be giving each other. I was going to write a whole essay about this, but then I said, why bother?

The second thing on my mind is depression. It’s insidious. It used to disable me completely, but, with little stress and decent circumstances in my daily life, depression is just kind of nipping at the back of my head. It covers me like a warm, wet blanket — weighing me down just enough that I feel the burden, but not enough that I can’t go on. I’ve noticed it creep up on me for all of October. Although October is a favorite month of mine, what with all the fall colors and Halloween, it has never been good for my mental state.

Lately, I’ve been feeling weary and fatigued for no apparent reason. I stop working on things, because I believe it to be futile to continue just to disappointment. I fail to start on projects for much the same reason.

But, after all, I do these things all the time. It is possible that this month I’ve just noticed it more.

Categories
Short Subjects

Dumb things around the island

I keep meaning to take my little digital camera with me to work, since I’m all over the place, every day, and take pictures of the signs that I think are cool or, more often, stupid. I forget every single day, since a morning person I am not. Still, there are two things that I can describe, without a problem so here they are:

  1. We’ve got a congressman running in our district, Joe Finley or some-such, who has the stupidest tag-line I have ever seen. It says, “Elect Joe Finely. Make America Safe.” Now, I don’t know how electing a freshman into Congress would ever Make America Safe, and the sign does not elaborate, but I did check out Joe’s website, where I learned that, as a Republican, he shares GW’s vision. Great. I’m so sure that will help. Please, laugh out loud, as I did, when you read his position on Social Security. And keep in mind that no matter what Democrats or Republicans or the Media say, Social Security is solvent and can currently pay out benefits longer than it could have in the past 40 years, without one bit of change to our taxes or payouts.
  2. The next bit of stupid signage is a license plate. It says, “IXXI MMI.” At first, I admit, I was the stupid one, trying to figure out what the number IXXI represented. Was it 19–1? 1–21? A score of some sort? Could this guy mean 1921? Oh, oh, wait it is 9–11. Oh! 9/11/2001! Oh. Why? We all know the day’s significance, but why put it on your license plate? Why encode it? Useless maudlin.

Okay, well, that wraps up this episode. I really am going to try to get the camera out there. Every day I see something that I think, oh that’s cool, or, oh that’s effen ridiculous. And I’d like to share these with you, my faithful dozen.

Categories
Metablogs

Brave New America

John Perry Barlow, co-founder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, has written a very interesting rant about the recent congressional vote over extending the presidential powers for carte blanche war with Iraq. Here is an excerpt:

Despite the fact that we have been exposed to far worse during our history – whether by Bloody Old England, the Kaiser, Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan, the Soviet Union, Red China, or, hell, France on a bad day – we have never before declared war without being attacked nor have we extended an American President the right to do so at his pleasure.

He goes on, pointing out the Orwellian overtones that the government and the media are spoon-feeding us, but then he talks about how the government, or Empire, as he calls it, is totally willing to just ignore us, because we are so unimportant. This wasn’t Orwell, this was Huxley.

Everyone brings up 1984, but apart from me, and Roger Waters, no one seems to remember the book that spelled it out like it is happening: Brave New World.

Lessee: Drugs replace desire for sex? Check. Government represses free-thought with entertainment? Check. Children are produced in bulk by genetic and tinkering? Check. Non-whites are considered savages? Check.

It may be a mix between Orwell and Huxley that we’re living in right now, but I do believe that the government, if we ignore John Ashcroft, would rather we amuse ourselves to coma, just because it is easier to manage. The media sleeps so well and cozy with our government, and both our government and our media are the biggest and the baddest out there.
Barlow gets it right near the end of his screed, but he never acknowledges Huxley. Of course, it doesn’t really matter in light of what is happening, but I just wanted to point out that I recognized this brave new pattern 15 years ago. Aren’t I so smart?

Categories
Silliness

Dark Side of the Blog

Start your CD… now.

This week, I’ve been going mad with songs stuck in my head that I absolutely can’t stand. Shit by Boston and Journey and that stupid “Complicated” song by that poser-riotgrrrrl from Canada. It’s okay if you like that stuff, but it sure doesn’t belong stuck in my brain. But it’s all cool. I just pop in Dark Side of the Moon, and breathe deeply of the most fucking awesome album ever made.

Am I a Floyd fan? I guess you can say that. Roger Waters gave me the strength to survive high school. That probably wasn’t his goal, helping pimply-faced adolescents get through their rough hormonal years, but there it is. And before I know it, ten years has gone behind me. I survived thanks to Floyd.

I probably haven’t listened whole to the album in five years, but just recently, I went to a laser show that played Dark Side in its entirety. I realized that I missed it. Diggin’ it through my headphones. Eatin’ a little sushi. Floyd and wassabi. That’d wake me up!

The problem with Dark Side is that it is totally overplayed on the radio, but song by song. The album is a dish, meant to be consumed whole. All the time that I’ve been hearing each individual song on the radio, minus “On the Run,” “Great Gig in the Sky,” and “Any Colour You Like,” I had forgotten how incredible the album is. The album is sung almost entirely by David Gilmore, with some help by Rick Wright, which makes it fairly unusual in the Floyd discography. Dave has a great rock-singing voice, slightly soft and rough at the same time. Rog, for all my love and adoration for him, may he be praised, doesn’t have the same caliber voice. But the vocals on Dark Side are smooth and softly spoken. Magic.

I’m not frightened of dying. Any time will do. Why should I be frightened of dying? There’s no reason for it. We’ve all got to go sometime. Death is obviously the counter-point to life. Eternity is no bargain. Since we are a mere glimmer in this universe, every moment is vital and brilliant. Our lifespan is perfect to do SOMETHING. Every something that we do adds up, making civilization something special, making history move, making life precious and worthwhile. It is because we die that we can live.

The most overplayed song on Dark Side is “Money.” Lord knows I change the station whenever I hear it on the Classic-Rock stations. Still, just hearing that fuzzy, thick bass line is so satisfying after listening to “Gig.” Perfection. Then there is that really, truly amazing guitar solo. I’ve seen Dave play the shit out of it live… in the rain… the pouring rain… and he just wouldn’t stop… not even after a half an hour of playing it… oh God when will he stop…, but on the album it is just right. An obvious demonstration of how great Floyd was when they acted like a band. Meddle and The Wall have a bit of this synergy to, but nothing like Dark Side.

A war for oil? I don’t know. Most conflicts do tend to boil down to us vs. them, the have-nots vs. the haves. The lengths that people will go through to try to keep the crap that they have from falling into the clutches of those who want what they have is pretty great. Right now, I see this inevitable conflict in the current battle over copyright vs. public domain. Our inevitable conflict with Iraq scares the shit out of me. I certainly don’t want a nasty dictator to have access to nuclear weapons, but that goes for a lot of countries, not just Iraq. When has America had success installing a friendly regime after invading and waging war with a country? Won’t that whole area destabilize further prompting a lot more anti-American feelings from the down and out?

“Any Colour You Like” is my favorite track on Dark Side. Wedged between “Us and Them” and “Brain Damage,” it is just a bit of psychedelic tinkering that messes with your head when you listen to the album through headphones. Reminds me a lot of Yes, who also tinkered a lot on their albums. Yeah, I admit it, I like Prog Rock. You gotta problem with that? Fuck you, you Journey-loving prick.

Ah, the breakdown of communication between men and between ourselves. Explored thoroughly in “Brain Damage,” by Roger Waters. Sure, it could have to do with drug use, which most people believe, and is supported by the Syd Barrett reference, “and if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes,” since by all accounts that is what happened to poor acid-burned-out Syd. But it is about any type of madness, not just drug induced, and how it separates us from others.

I can’t think of anything else to say. (Just say anything.) (Laughter.) Nothing that‘s nice. (Another chuckle.)

This blog entry didn’t really match up to Dark Side of the Moon, really. As a matter of fact, it was all daft.

Categories
Rant

The evolution of a bad idea

I don’t understand what is wrong with my fellow countrymen. And, crap, I’m not even talking about war or false patriotism. But every couple of months, some stupid backwater school board has got to throw its two cents in on the subject of Evolution.
I’m not even going to provide links to the news stories, because the names change, and the method used to sneak in Creationism is tweaked, but it always the same old story.
Many scientists, someone will be quoted as saying, are doubting the veracity of Darwinism. Evolution, it will be noted, is a theory, not a fact. There are other theories on just how we got here, the school board demands. And so, stupid backwater myths are promulgated on children. As if they don’t hear enough bullshit from their ignorant parents.

Yeah, it gets to me.

Listen, in any other country with a half-way decent, non-religious education system, this isn’t even a topic. Modern biology is based on Evolution much like modern electronics are based on Quantum Theory. Some of the edges may be fuzzy still, and are vigorously debated by scientists, but no one doubts the core theory, and ANY scientist that says otherwise has an agenda. Some pip-squeak johnny-come-lately is always gonna gun for the quickest draw, but history rarely records his name. Call it evolution.

And here’s the thing: Theories are always based on facts, which are recordable, repeatable data. Theories are not opinion. The Theory of Gravity is not the opinion of Newton. They are the observable results from testing and testing and testing. The theory that Newton put forth worked for several hundred years, but was refined by Einstein. We still learn about Newton’s gravity in school, though, because it is very straight forward, and only breaks down at extremes not present on Earth. I hear no school board in Cracker, USA, demanding that kids learn about the alternatives to gravity.

So just what are the alternatives to Evolution? Surprise, surprise, but the only one available is an off-shoot of the totally ridiculous Creationist “Theory.” And that’s just a story in The Bible. The latest incarnation is Intelligent Design, which, amazingly enough, borrows most of its concepts from Evolution, but insists on a higher being to start it. It may be, after all, what most people believe at some level, but it is not based on any reproducible data, so it is not a theory. Maybe they’ll settle for a warning label on Biology textbooks that evolution is just one of a gazillion theories on the origins of humans. And maybe they’ll pay for all the frontal lobotomies that we need to perform on all those adolescents and their naughty, animal urges.

So what are kids supposed to learn, other than Americans are stuck in some bizarre, Puritan nightmare, where porn and guns and liquor are cheap, but God-damn the lesson that we’ve evolved from lesser stock? Learn this: Religion has no place in our schools or our science or our facts. Die out all ready, you ignorant fools, and let nature take its course.