Categories
Short Subjects Sneaks and Scammers

Monster Target

I posted a resume on Monster.com about a year ago and never got any job offers. I’m not surprised or bitter about this. It’s just a statement of facts. My resume reflects my general knowledge of all aspects of graphic design, and, as such, is targeted towards nothing in particular.

But a couple of weeks ago, I got a call from Primerica. Lo and behold, someone there got my resume from Monster.com and I was a perfect match for their company! That was amazing to me because my sales experience can be summed up by the four months I worked in Sears selling hammers. But the message was funny, because the nice, well-spoken, eager young lad on the phone never once said how I’d be a perfect fit for Primerica. Did they need a new ad campaign or something? Were they entering the printing market and needed a decent paste-up artist?

I knew of Primerica long before this phone call. Before Citigroup purchased them, and gave them a needed veneer of legitimacy, the Primerica guys would come to Kinko’s to get their business cards printed, and they would chat up all of us in the Computer Services department. Just like the Amway guys. And much like the Amway guys, they’d ask us if we’d like to make x-amount of dollars per year, but the Primerica guys always made that figure 10 times greater than the Amway folks.

And the Primerica guys were always slicker, with their suits and nicely shined shoes. And they were always in that 25 to 35 year-old range. And they were always male.

But, unlike the Amway folks who pretended to sell products, the Primerica guys were terrifically vague with what Primerica actually sold. Oh, sure, Primerica was the fast way to financial independence. It was for go-getters like me (and the rest of the wage-slaves working at Kinko’s). It’s based on proven business techniques. Sure it was hard work, but the rewards were multitudinous. It was certainly not illegal or a scam. …oh, multi-level marketers. When will you ever learn?

Anyway, these well-pressed clones all sang the same song, and on my voice-mail the other week, I heard that familiar tune. But this one bothered me a bit more than the slick-suits who were so hard up for contacts that they bothered the slackers working in a copy shop. I mean, this guy was pretending to offer me a job. All he really wanted was for me to return his phone call, so he could sell me on Primerica. Did I mention that Primerica was a subsidiary of the Citigroup? Because he did. Twice.

On that same level of cheese, I get this email today with the subject, "Your Resume" (emphasis mine):

Your resume reflects the type of experience needed to be successful at American Income Life Insurance Company. That’s why I was excited when I received your resume but was disappointed when you did not reply to my e-mail. We currently have an immediate opening in your area and I believe you are the perfect candidate for this position.

Our unique marketing niche enables us to supply our sales force with leads of union members who have indicated an interest in reviewing our products. With American Income, there is virtually no prospecting for leads.

Many new representatives are shocked by how quickly their earnings escalate. Selling insurance is not hard. There are no education degrees necessary, only minimal licensing requirements. You don’t need prior sales experience, just a desire to succeed. In fact, we offer an in-field training program, flexible hours and full support.

Your earning potential is unlimited. Many new representatives earn from $60,000 to $90,000 or more their first year. There’s no more depending on someone else for a raise. You are in control of increasing your earnings.

Please CLICK HERE [link removed] to learn more about this important opportunity. We are eager to speak with you as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Roger Smith

President And Chief Executive Officer

American Income Life Insurance Company

1200 Wooded Acres Drive

Waco, TX 76710

P.S. You received this E-mail because you responded to our ad or placed your resume on one of the internet job boards. To unsubscribe from future E-mails follow the link below.

We would like to keep you updated on exciting job opportunities at American Income; we will continue to alert you when we have openings at our local offices.

Click here [link removed] to unsubscribe from further communication regarding job opportunities at American Income.

Please allow two to three business days for the removal process of your E-mail address to be complete.

American Income Life Insurance Company

1200 Wooded Acres

Waco TX 76710

This message contains information which is privileged and confidential and is solely for the use of the intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient, be aware that any review, disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of the contents of this message is strictly prohibited. If you have received this in error, please destroy it immediately and notify us at PrivacyAct@torchmarkcorp.com.

A couple things to note: My name is nowhere on this email, and it has nothing to do with the jobs that I’m interested in–they just harvested the email address I left on Monster.com. But Roger tells me that he was excited to receive my resume, and so was upset when I didn’t email him back, an amusingly blatant lie. Why would I trust a company like this when they can’t even be honest with why they’re contacting me? This supposed insurance company is an MLM, too, because they want to sell me the privilege of selling the company to others. The no-repost notice at the end is a fine bit of irony, too.

I also find it humorous that they tell me that I received their email either because I spoke to them in the past or posted my resume on a job board, a job board where I specified not to be contacted by third-parties, I might add. I don’t blame Monster for this, but it does serve as a lesson to job searchers out there. There are sharks searching for you, too.

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Short Subjects

I think I am, therefore I might be

From this quiz, (link via [Orcinus][1]), I found out that I’m an [existentialist][2]. I figured I’d be materialist, but, hey, who am I to argue with an unobjective, unscientific test? Wait! [Who am I, period][3]?

You scored as Existentialist. Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Mankind is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility.

Existentialist

88%

Materialist

81%

Postmodernist

75%

Modernist

63%

Idealist

50%

Cultural Creative

44%

Romanticist

31%

Fundamentalist

25%

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

This quiz is also written in some of the ugliest code I have on my site! Wheeee!
[1]: http://dneiwert.blogspot.com/2005/12/contests-and-quizzes.html
[2]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism
[3]: http://www.tameri.com/csw/exist/exist.html

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Lunatic Atheists

![Lunatic Fringe](http://www.macphoenix.com/_images/creative/blog/20051207_lamarwv.jpg)
>Lunatic fringe
>In the twilight’s last gleaming
>This is open season
>But you won’t get too far
>We know you’ve got to blame someone
>For your own confusion
>But we’re on guard this time
>Against your final solution
Image from [the Democratic Party][1]. Link via [Pharyngula][2]. *Lunatic Fringe* by [Red Rover][3].
[1]: http://www.democrats.org/a/2005/12/lamar_discourag.php
[2]: http://pharyngula.org/index/weblog/comments/like_i_said_thugs/
[3]: http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playlistId=532369&s=143441&i=532357

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Hawt Biznez

After several years of questionable tax practices (just kidding Mr. IRS-man), I have finally made it official. [MacPhoenix Design][1] is open for business. Now let the millions come rolling in.
Despite being a poor schlub, I like to do the right thing as far as software and fonts and such. When I’m working on something for myself, like Halloween invites, I don’t stress too much about what typeface I’m using and how it was obtained, but when I do commercial work, even for things I put on [CafePress][2], I like to make sure I actually own the typeface I used. I mean, it’s the very least I can do, since I am, uh, *testing* several hundred fonts.
Actually, I tend to stick to the fonts that Microsoft and Adobe install with their software, which fits my need, especially on the web, 90% of the time. But I used to work at Kinko’s, and people would install crazy amounts of fonts on the self-service computers there. When we cleaned the machines out, we would inevitably save a copy of whatever was put on there. On a [SyQuest 88][6], of course. Ah, the memories.
Anyway, as I said, I like to do the right thing. Now that MacPhoenix Design is going legit, I decided that I really should get a license for [Pike][3], the typeface that is the base for the [MacPhoenix logo][4]. I went to [FontHaus][5] to order it, and filled out the registration, when, during confirmation of my data, FontHaus told me I was already registered. I checked my voluminous email archive for a receipt from FontHaus, and, sure enough, I had purchased Pike over two years ago.
This made me feel exceptionally good about myself.
[1]:http://design.macphoenix.com/ “MacPhoenix Design. Web design and hosting for the people.”
[2]:http://www.cafepress.com/macphoenix “MacPhoenix Swag”
[3]:http://www.identifont.com/show?4AV “A good database of fonts and their foundries.”
[4]:http://www.macphoenix.com/_images/home/ws_header.gif “My awesome logo.”
[5]:http://www.fonthaus.com “They’ve got good prices.”
[6]:http://www.dpts.co.uk/media/images/media/syquest88.jpg “Aw yeah! 88 MEGAbytes of grinding noises and indecipherable blinking lights!”

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Diploma-mill spam

I’ve gotten a couple of weird spam emails in the past couple of weeks. My spam filters are set extraordinarily high, but occasionally a few creep through, like these two below, which had no actually web address to click on. Instead, I was invited to call a phone number that a reverse trace revealed to be somewhere in Washington state.
The first was titled *Requested Material*, which is a sure sign that I never requested the material:
>Just a Reminder;
>
>Our University Enrollment department has been trying to contact you.
>The date for enrolling in our 2 week degree program is ending on
>Friday, November 25th, 2005.
>
>As of now we can only offer you a BA, BSc, or a MA.
>If you enroll by the due date then your degree of choice and transcripts
>can be sent to you within 2 weeks.
>
>Enrollment Office:
>1-206-xxx-1674
>
>
>Riley Lewis
>BSc Education
>Administration Office
*BSc Education*, huh? That must be Ivy League. I can get a Bachelors or Masters degree in two weeks? Wow! Sounds easier than Harvard Business School, where any dumb president can earn a solid “C.”
The second, titled *Re:Education*, a lovely pun, was received two weeks later, where I was relieved to learn that they finally broke through the bureaucratic loggerhead that prevented them from offering me a doctorate in only two weeks. But I’m a little concerned about any University that can’t actually spell “university” correctly:
>Attention:
>
>Based on your present knowledge and past life experiences our University administration office has been trying to contact you. We feel you may qualify for one of our Univsersity*(sic)* degrees in your area of expertise.
>
>We have been qualifying people based on thier experiences in past and present jobs and are offering qualified degrees with transcripts for those that qualify.
>
>If you call our offices now we can confirm our information and send you either a Bachelors’, Masters’, or Doctorate within 2 weeks.
>
>
>Administration Office Number:
>1-206-xxx-1674
>
>Administration Hours:
>24 hours, 7 Days a week, including Sundays and Holidays
>
>University Administration
>Eric Moore
>Client Identification: Q6491
This one didn’t even put in the “BSc Education” name, which is probably nonsense anyway, and just settled for the ubiquitous *University Administration*. So is this a guy in a basement with a laser printer and some fancy paper who prints up degrees on demand? I’m tempted to call up and ask for a degree in *Cartoonology* or somesuch. Something that would really help me get ahead, you know?
And what a difference a dash makes. I originally read “past life experiences” as “past-life experiences” and thought of Scientology, but it was just phrased awkwardly and not actually referring to my previous existence as [Charlemagne][1], which would easily earn me a degree in “Bat-shit Crazy.”
[1]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlemagne “Anyone with European blood in them is supposedly related to him. At least according to Kurt Vonnegut.”

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Short Subjects

Red light, green light, 1-2-3

Jinx, our well-dressed turkey of a cat, considers herself the middle of our three-being clan. When she and I stare each other down, I win; she’ll look away first. But when Katherine and Jinx stare at each other, Jinx actually charges poor Katherine. Jinx doesn’t actually do anything but try to get Kathy to stop looking at her, but it bemuses poor Katherine while it never fails to amuse me.
The cat has lately taken to playing a game of chicken with Katherine that reminds me of the classic kids game, Red Light Green Light, where one kid stands towards one end of a yard, and the other kids can only move when the first kid is not looking. Jinx waits for Kathy to doze off. Katherine likes to fight falling to sleep, so she tends to get heavy-lidded and then pretend that nothing was happening if I look at her. But Jinx will take the opportunity to move closer to Katherine during these little 3-second nods. What’s particularly funny about this is that when Katherine opens her eyes again, Jinx will sit, wide-eyed, staring at Katherine, not moving again until Katherine succumbs to her exhaustion. Eventually, Jinx reaches Katherine, jumps right next to her, and scares the crap out of her.
At any point, of course, I could have stopped this, since I’m watching it all very intently. But that’s not what the top cat does.
Speaking of cats, I promised some weeks ago to post a picture of Annie, the cat of Erick and Michele’s that was killed by a car. In order to secure the photo, I had to mention that Bandit, their ferret, had died just before that from a blocked bladder. Two pets in just a week died for poor Erick and Michele. Now they’re just down to one bird… and five neighborhood/stray cats that Michele will probably entice into their house… and the three raccoons that feed on the same food that they leave out for the strays… and the baby which they’ll have in December. He’s not a pet, per se, but he’ll certainly be at their tender mercies.
Anyway, here’s the late Annie and Bandit sharing a meal:
Annie the cat and Bandit the ferret eating some cat food.

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Give to the Red Cross

Sheila Dixon and 18 month daughter in New Orleans
A vibrant, historical American city is no more. It will be rebuilt, but until it is, a half of a million Americans have been displaced. Many of these people are don’t have the resources to secure any sort of necessities such as shelter, medicine, clean water, or food. A small donation to the [Red Cross][1] will help hundreds of people.
This is a shocking and disturbing catastrophe. That it takes place in the richest nation in the world, and that we still lack the infrastructure to manage it, is more disturbing. No one could have prevented a hurricane, but we had [plenty of warning][2] that one would do such damage. We must do what our government would not and apparently cannot do, and help the people of the Gulf Coast.
[1]: https://www.redcross.org/donate/redir.asp?splashpagebutton
[2]: http://www.hurricane.lsu.edu/_in_the_news/houston.htm

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Brush with Greatness

I got a letter posted on The Amazing Randi

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The Pop-Poseur Rule, Applied to Pink Floyd

I posted this over in the comments of Roger Ailes’s post on Floyd, and I thought that I was so funny and clever that I should post it here as it’s own entry. (I may be funny and clever, but I’m hardly original.) The original post was commenting on some numbnut from the Washington Times who takes issue with the Floyd album, The Final Cut.
There is an argument I make that applies to being a fan of anything. It’s called the pop-poseur rule, and it goes like this:

  1. If you like the one thing that everyone else likes about a popular artist, you’re not a real fan. (With Floyd this would be saying, “My favorite is Dark Side,” or “I like The Wall.”)
  2. If you like the most recent thing by a popular artist, you’re a poseur. (“Division Bell is R0x0rz!!!!1“)
  3. If you know anything about the artist and consider yourself a real fan, then you’re favorite piece is something that will cause arguments with everyone else who has an opinion. (“Animals slightly edges out The Final Cut, but only because there was no keyboards after Waters kicked out Rick Wright.”)

With this in mind, I gotta say, if Division Bell is your top Floyd album, or even in the top 3, you cannot speak of The Final Cut with any authority. You know nothing about Floyd. I dare say you don’t have good taste either.

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Russell's Law of 50% Returns on Comic Adaptations

Lately, movies adapted from comic books have been successful about 50% of the time. For every X-Men or Spiderman, there is an Electra or The Incredible Hulk. Given that Batman Begins was a pretty good movie, I’m going to have to bet against the Fantastic Four. My motives are partially selfish, though, since one of the most amazing, well-written, and literary comic books (sorry, graphic novels) is being adapted into a movie by the guys behind The Matrix. It is V for Vendetta, by Alan Moore, who also wrote From Hell (an okay movie) and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (a bad movie), so by my logic, he’s due for a decent adaptation, too.
When I found out this was going to be made into a movie, I was completely caught by surprise. Along with V for Vendetta, Alan Moore created The Watchmen, which is one of the very best graphic novels, at least amongst those that deal with superheroes. It also, by far, the more popular of the two. Years ago, there was talk of a Watchmen movie, directed by Terry Gilliam, which never came to fruition. The last thing I ever expected to hear was that V for Vendetta would be considered for a movie. Although it slightly edges out The Watchmen for Best Graphic Novel by an Englishman Who Is Not Neil Gaiman in my own personal award ceremony, it is far too subversive for American audiences. Basically, one of its themes is that anarchy is a preferable form of government (or lack thereof) over fascism. I actually agree with that, but I’m not that eager to experiment either way.
In any case, a fear was that, in this wonderful, double-plus good age of enlightenment that America is currently wallowing in, the marketing guys at Warner Bros. would sell this movie rather gingerly. This week, however, they unveiled a new “coming soon” poster (just in time for the Independence day weekend, they said), which had this for it’s tagline:

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

And to that I say, “Amen.”
Another happy happenstance: The main character, “V,” was going to be played by James Purefoy, whom I have nothing against, mostly because I have no idea who he is, but he dropped out. He’s been replaced by Hugo Weaving, the actor behind Elron and Agent Smith. This is happiness, indeed. Of course, if they stay true to the story, we never actually see V’s face, but that’s for later.
*****
The man who introduced me to both The Watchmen and V for Vendetta is Joe Dubecky. He just informed me of his engagement (in the comments of this very blog!). Congratulations, Joe! And where did your website go?
*****
For the past several months, I’ve had ONE blog entry per month. That’s so weak. Thanks to those who stop by every now and then to see if I’ve updated anything. There is always the desire to do more and the laziness that prevents it from happening. Maybe this month, I’ll post twice.